I had an awakening experience in codependency group therapy several years back. The therapist said “You have to ask for what you want. When we were infants, we would whine and cry in hopes of getting the attention of our caregivers, in hopes that they would predict our needs. But as adults, we can talk and express our needs so we should.”
My ex-husband used to listen to a podcaster named Brother Diallo. I once overheard him talking about the infantilization of men. How we as women coddle men, anticipate their needs, and take on tasks like cooking and cleaning so much that some men never really learned to take care of themselves.
Since we are often mirrors of each other I contemplated what does the infantilization of women look like? I think that it is the fantasy that we will never have to use our words. That we can pout, tantrum, and silent treatment our way into a loving and psychic relationship. Now I’m not knocking anticipating each other’s needs as acts of love and attentiveness; I think it’s a beautiful thing but not to the point where it begins to handicap. Not to the point where it angers you if this mind-reading magic is not performed.
When I have life-changing discoveries like this I often try to relate them to how this new knowledge should shift my parenting. And I recall telling a friend if I had a daughter I would definitely teach her to be aware of and communicate her needs. I would teach her to get to know her likes and dislikes and to revise them when necessary in hopes that she will stay in tune with herself.
While having this conversation with my sis Latasha Allston, she pushed back on my analysis. Stating that she doesn’t think men do a good job of this either. Men also don’t know their needs or communicate them well but because they often have more attentive partners they don’t need to do this well to get their needs met. (I LOVE her brain!)
Sometimes it be yo’ own self perpetuating the very thing you wish to destroy. I am grateful for her pushback. It just brought to the forefront, my own patriarchal thinking that boys don’t need self-awareness and communication supports to navigate healthy relationships. This makes no logical sense but essentially that’s what my original analysis boiled down to.
Boy children need just as much guidance in self-study and healthy communication of needs as girl children. If fact, raising men who are great communicators and self-aware is not only beneficial to them but will likely decrease the emotional labor their partners will be responsible for. The work of revolution begins in our minds and in the minds of our children. Raising emotionally intelligent self-aware good communicators should be my goal as a parent regardless of the gender of my children.
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