I remember when I first got divorced and how I would take such good care of myself. I would take myself on regular dates and buy myself flowers regularly. This was on top of all the other things I did consistently to stay on top of my mental and physical health (i.e. practicing yoga, eating healthy, and journaling.)
Somewhere along the way, I stopped dating myself. Truth is, taking care of myself takes time, energy, and commitment. I was genuinely in a committed relationship with myself. Taking time to get to know myself and intentionally placing myself in proximity to things that gave me joy. I was offering myself all the things I would expect inside of a healthy relationship.
As I began to date, I placed that responsibility in someone else’s hands. If they didn’t offer I didn’t go. If they didn’t buy flowers I didn’t have any. My relationship with myself was disrupted and my intentional self-care was reduced. I only had so much energy and things got lost as I tried to balance my energy budget.
Newton’s Law states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. The energy I had begun to invest in entertaining others had to come from somewhere. Too often it was subtracted from the time I took to care for myself.
I guess that isn’t a bad thing when I am engaging in restorative relationships. Engagements where the energy I put forth was transferred but restored. I think is okay to sacrifice a little “me time” to engage in interactions that restore me emotionally, mentally, and physically. But the trouble starts when those interactions start to take more than they are willing to offer. Or better yet when I am offering energy without proper boundaries.
I feel like I’m in the process of learning how to establish healthy boundaries around my energy. I’m starting to realize how important it is to manage my energy efficiently to ensure that my self-care, home management, and goals don’t become compromised in my pursuit of companionship. I mean ideally, the type of relationship I am seeking will contribute energy to those areas too.
I love that song energy budget. I feel like I am in a space where I’m learning how to assess who is a good steward of my energy and who isn’t. Learning how to set aside days that are strictly for me regardless of who I entertain. I’m learning how to honor my rest time by striving to honor my bedtime and limiting late-night conversations and visits.
I am learning how to assess my interactions with people and how they feed me intellectually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And being honest with myself when people do none of the above. This doesn’t mean that I don’t engage in service-oriented relationships. I do, but I recognize them as that and budget my energy accordingly.
I think it’s also important that I don’t look at companionship as something that can only be obtained inside of romantic relationships. Because from what I have observed in myself, the more I lean into my friendships and kinships, the less thirsty I am for people that don’t restore me. Connection is important to me and being starved of it makes me more vulnerable to parasitic relationships.
I remember having really good days and feeling like I didn’t have anyone to share good news with. It is really odd to reflect back on. I have parents and siblings that would love to hear about my wins. I have family that I genuinely enjoy talking to. I have people who rallied around me in my sorrow and somehow I forgot to include them in my joy.
My energy budget must include people who I know rock with me outside of romantic interest. I need platonic friendships to remind me of how dope I am to be around and how dope it feels to be around people that care. I need people that make me laugh and hold space for me to fall apart, then regain my composure. These relationships show me what the foundation of a healthy romantic relationship should feel like when I forget and accept less. I hope I do the same for them. These beautiful people surely deserve a reserved line item in the budget.
I really dislike when self-care gets conflated with spending money. I want to be clear that one of the key pillars of building a solid relationship with myself has been vulnerable and consistent conversations with myself in my journal pages. Some of my favorite dates with myself have consisted of me sitting barefoot under a willow tree at my favorite park with my journal. Just letting nature give me my flowers in their natural state. Those dates didn't cost a thing and were deeply satisfying. In fact, I have a smile on my face writing about it. When I think about dating myself the question I really beg of myself is how do I show interest in myself? How do I engage myself in a way that demonstrates that I care about myself, my joys, my dreams, and my healing? Some of that will require a cash investment and some of it will require a time investment but with consistent practice, I trust that these practices will produce dividends. The management of my energy is about inviting investors to the table and protecting my energy from those only wishing to exact. Additionally, I know how winter impacts my mood. So in the winter months, I am aware that the intensity of my self-care must increase. My dates with the willow tree are less inviting without the sun and there are no flowers to enjoy in nature. As darkness visit us earlier I can’t afford to mismanage my energy, the impact is too great. The energy distribution I got away with under the warmth of the sun would be devastating in winter months. So dating myself in winter takes a little more effort. So as we enter this season of winter, I am recommitting to the relationship I have with myself and to those that nourish and restore me. I hope you choose to do the same.
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